A few months back, a couple friends and I accidentally set off a comment storm on Facebook trying to one-up each other coming up with goofy new definitions of existing words/named/whatever. I had been occasionally posting these as I thought of them for awhile, with little to no reaction, things like “Sea Legs (n.) – Where baby seals come from”. These were generally inspired by a frequently played game from I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, a BBC radio show that got started in the 70s, hit its stride in the mid-80s, and despite the passing of one of its original panelists as well as its chairman is still going strong.
However, back in July, I posted “Apply (adj.) – Somewhat like an apple.” an old friend responded with another definition, and we fired back and forth–with the help of a few others–for the better part of two days, producing over 200 examples of the fine art of punnery. I’d heard a lot of examples in the aforementioned radio show, so I tried to avoid using them as much as possible, though I think a handful slipped through. Most of those only work in a British accent anyway, though (like “Arizona – person to whom Harry belongs”).
Because I don’t trust Facebook to archive comments on comments (most of these were buried somewhat in the conversation tree), I’ve reproduced the list with credit here, editing out some of the meta-conversation that took place along the way. Some only make sense written down, others only when read out loud.
Ben L. Apply (adj.) – Somewhat like an apple.
Jeff H. Irony (adj.) – How the water at my work tastes.
Ben L. Malady (adj.) – a bit like a duck.
Ben L. Vanish (adj.) – having the quality of a Ford Transit.
Jeff H. Burnished (adj.) – damaged somewhat, but not severely, by heat.
Ben L. Baler (adj.) – more like the actor who portrayed Bruce Wayne and Patrick Bateman.
Jeff H. Haywain (int.) – a way to get the attention of Garth’s best friend.
Ben L. Hayrick (int.) – how to get the attention of the artist behind “Never Gonna Give You Up”
Jeff H. Haystack (int.) – an affectionate, nickname-using means of getting the attention of the author of the original X-Wing books.
Ben L. Hayride (int.) – a method for contacting the first female astronaut.
Jeff H. Hayfever (int.) – a means for determining that you’re too sick to go into work: when you start addressing your illness as a person, you’re proooobably too far gone.
Ben L. Haunted hayride (n.) – a method for posthumously contacting the first female astronaut.
Jeff H. Wagon (n.) – a medication for dogs. Apply directly to the tail.
Ben L. Fillion (n.) – a medication for female horses.
Ben L. Poupon (n.)….no, too easy, let’s not go there.
Jeff H. Clarinet (v.) – getting the dinner mess off the table.
Jeff H. Adonalsium (v.) – What you do when your project seems to be just one alsium short.
Ben L. Mullet (v.) – what I do when I can’t quite complete a thought.
Jeff H. Bequest (v.) – The only real choice when you want to cosplay as a terrible Nintendo 64 RPG.
Ben L. Relatedly: Willful (adj.) – having more than satisfactorily planned ones estate.
Jeff H. Relatedly: Relatedly (adj.) – having inhumed the boss of the MacGuffin quest AGAIN.
Ben L. Punitive (adj.) – the level to which this conversation has descended.
Jeff H. Argument (exc.) – What to say upon realizing what the other person had in mind.
Jeff H. Monument (exc.) – Variation of “argument”. Unique to the Jamaican dialect.
Jeff H. Shingles (n.) – Sean Connery’s preferred tennis format.
Ben L. Tenants (n.) – an early stage in the development of a colony.
Jeff H. Catatonic (n.) – a type of drink popular about two WoW expansions ago.
Ben L. Wallet (v.) – a certain presidential candidate’s plan for our southern neighbor.
Jeff H. Epidemic (n.) – the online version of a regular demic.
Ben L. Pillage (n.) – the large amounts of medication marketed to the elderly.
Jeff H. Banana (v.) – what TMBG fans who are sick of hearing about holes made with guns perpendicular would like the band to do at their concerts.
Ben L. Percent (v.) – I’ve arranged for your handbag to be delivered.
Ben L. A-list (n.) – Beer connoisseur.
Ben L. Garbage (n.) – how to judge vintage clothing.
Jeff H. Garden (n.) – where packs of gar lair.
Jeff H. Evanescence (n.) – the fundamental core being of Bruce’s co-anchor. What a sad word.
Jeff H. Minimum (n.) – a small maternal parent.
Jeff H. Tangent (n.) – a man who has recently returned from a sunny vacation spot.
Ben L. Fashionable (v.) – to create male cattle.
Ben L. Toenail (n.) – an alcoholic beverage that improves ones musical ability.
Jeff H. Crumpet (n.) – a small piece of bread, pastry, etc. kept as a companion.
Jeff H. Target (v.) – Bring me some sticky roofing material!
Ben L. Bargain (v.) – To become able to practice law.
Ben L. Bivalve (int.) – What a former employee says upon being fired by Gabe Newell.
Jeff H. Disingenuous (v.) – The practice of insulting someone who is much smarter than you.
Jeff H. Arabia (proper n.) – a country which has completely eradicated hydrophobia.
Jeff H. Brigandine (n.) – an alloy made from ruffians, scofflaws, and highway robbers.
Jeff H. Danger (int.) – Just danger all to heck.
Ben L. Oyster (n.) – Someone skilled at shouting at people.
Ben L. Shyster (n.) – Someone not skilled at shouting at people.
Ben L. Cloister (n.) – Someone just too sickeningly sweet to be around.
Ben L. Baltic (n.) – Testicular spasm.
Jeff H. Gustatory (v.) – Blow wind at a conservative Briton.
Jeff H. Earnest (n.) – The highest-compensated earner.
Jeff H. Feedback (n.) – A euphemism for baby vomit.
Ben L. Mutineer (int.) – This room’s gone awfully silent
Ben L. Cadaver (int.) – I am capable of having sex with that woman
Ben L. Adder (int.) – I have already had sex with that woman
Jeff H. Hiccup (n.) – The redneck has arisen.
Ben L. Next door (n.) – A place to buy a neck.
Jeff H. Albatross (proper n.) – That’s Mr. Ross, to you.
Jeff H. Humble (n.) – A low-key musical male cow.
Jeff H. Connote (n.) – A message from an inmate.
Ben L. Coward (adj.) – in the direction of ol’ Bessy over there.
Jeff H. Germane (n.) – Goo know, ger luscious hair.
Jeff H. Gluten (n.) – What you do when gluing nine wasn’t enough.
Ben L. Expert (adj.) – Limp and sagging.
Jeff H. Glower (n.) – A thing what shines brightly in the darkness.
Ben L. Pyrite (v.) – to properly prepare pastry.
Jeff H. Burdensome (adj.) – Beyond just cold.
Ben L. LOL. Complain (n.) – Free air travel.
Ben L. Mixer (n.) – An Irish nobleman.
Ben L. Mercantile (n.) – Ceramic floor covering produced by this country.
Jeff H. Mercantile (n.) – ceramic covering for the pubic region.
Jeff H. Massacre (n.) – .247kg/km^2
Ben L. Control (v.) – to take monetary advantage of an Internet hooligan
Ben L. Burgle (n.) – Frigid Final Fantasy funds.
Jeff H. Winsome (n.) ant: losesome.
Jeff H. Catharsis (n.) – A Scottish feline/equine hybrid. Very temperamental, and not advisable for riding.
Ben L. Misty (Prop. n.) – Daughter of the actor who portrayed B.A. Baracus on The A-Team.
Corey M. Feline (n.) the boundary at which you must pay.
Corey M. Temperamental (n.) the state of being mad for washable paint.
Ben L. Pastor (n.) – An oral hesitation used previously.
Corey M. Company – when you are able to choose any of the various tickets available once a business has wronged you in some fashion
Ben L. Mars Bar (n.) – Immigration embargo on residents of the fourth planet.
(note: I had to look up to make sure that the candy was named after a person, not the deity or planet, otherwise it would seem like cheating)
Ben L. Impressed (n.) – A small goblin’s nap.
Jeff H. Monotony (n.) – A Magic the Gathering deck archetype using only cards named Anthony.
Ben L. Walrus (n.) – Where the aforementioned presidential candidate might purchase his solution for our southern neighbor.
Jeff H. Algorithm (n.) – The underlying basis for the 45th Vice President’s sick dance moves.
Ben L. Polygon (int.) – My parrot’s escaped
Jeff H. Malachite (n.) – A term for a class of wind-powered flying toy that is especially prone to getting itself destroyed. See also: rafachite.
Jeff H. Legible (adj.) – Able to be legged.
Ben L. Legend (n.) – Foot.
Jeff H. Army (adj
Jeff H. I can’t.
Jeff H. Not in the face of that.
Jeff H. Prefect (adj.) – In a state of awaiting copulation.
Ben L. Mitosis (n.) – see “Legend”.
Jeff H. Amicable (adj.) – I can be frozen.
Jeff H. Allegory (int.) – That lower extremity is in pretty rough shape.
Jeff H. Prattled (stmt.) – An accurate description of the characterization in Jurassic World.
Jeff H. Efficacy (int.) – I know he’s atta bat, but I justa hate that guy.
Jeff H. Dirigible (adj.) – Able to be made floppy.
Ben L. Micro (n.) – A bird of genus Corvus, belonging to me.
Ben L. Bandage (n.) – A long succession of musical acts.
Ben L. Lupine (n.) – A tree for urinating against.
Corey M. Liturgy (n.) the opposite of writer’s block.
Corey M. Mirror (n.) the sound Russian space stations make when they hit the atmosphere
Ben L. Mystical (n.) – a sex worker with a very specific skill.
Corey M. Allostatic (n.) when every electronic device in your house fails to find a signal
Ben L. Hemostatic (n.) – when you don’t use enough fabric softener and your skirt sticks to your leg.
Corey M. Ratio – a rodent-run data center service.
Corey M. Pumpkin – your bros who also lift, bro.
Ben L. Hydrate (n.) – Method for paying fur trappers.
Ben L. Forsake (n.) – The reason I went to the sushi bar.
Corey M. Pleasure (adj.) – someone who believes begging always works
Corey M. Or rather, having the quality of believing that begging always works
Corey M. Pandemonium (n.) a place where black and white bears go to fornicate
Ben L. Horror film (n.) – A choice of amusements.
Corey M. Disabled (n.) having two marten pelts
Ben L. Perspire (n.) – One who rifles through another’s handbag.
Ben L. Mammary (n.) – Polite language.
Ben L. Cursory (n.) – Impolite language.
Mary L. I know I’m late to the game, but may I add one? Depend (n.) – the place where the diving board is located.
Ben L. Ovine (n.) – six second long pornographic video loop
Ben L. Artery (n.) – museum exhibition.
Mary L. Bagel (n.) – any of a variety of sea birds, habitat being in the San Francisco area.
Ben L. Mystery (adj.) – male-dominated.
Corey M. Reply (n.) a falsehood a marketing person tells you in order to get you to buy the product
Corey M. Balance (n.) – an unpleasant medical procedure to drain the scrotum of interstitial fluids
Ben L. Elongate – that gentleman took quite a while to finish his meal.
Jeff H. Monotony – (n.) a malady that Anthony got from kissing indiscriminately.
Ben L. Prologue (adj.) – In favor of deforestation.
Jeff H. Ascent (n.) – a particularly rude treefolk.
Jeff H. Eulogy (n.) – the study of ancient pre-Christian winter celebrations.
Ben L. Efficiency – Santiago is at it again.
Jeff H. Sensible (n.) – a person who is both a legislator and an oracle.
Jeff H. Foretold (n.) – an ancient defensive structure.
Ben L. Subtract (n.) – Religious footnote.
Jeff H. Antique (n.) – a yelp emitted by a parent’s sister who has been frightened.
Jeff H. Gramophone (n.) – a telecommunications device owned by a parent’s mother.
Ben L. Counteract (n.) – Fast food job.
Jeff H. Genuine (int.) – All right, Jennifer, I give in already.
Jeff H. Gangly (adv.) – in a manner similar to criminal organizations.
Jeff H. Number (int.) – It is so freaking cold out I can’t feel my face.
Ben L. Artifact – Did you know that Picasso’s career lasted over 50 years?
Jeff H. Bisect (n.) – a religious group that goes both ways.
Ben L. Barbecue (n.) – Line-up of Mattel products.
Jeff H. Dungeon (n.) – an empty bottle that smells of pine trees.
Ben L. Radish (adj. ) – only moderately cool.
Jeff H. Drama (v.) – to create a portrait of one’s mother.
Jeff H. Garbage (n.) – you know, stuff you wear.
Jeff H. Abandon (n.) – designated rest area for traveling musical groups.
Ben L. Manager (n.) – comic book superweapon that causes death by natural causes.
Jeff H. Supervisor (n.) – a piece of eyewear that grants amazing powers.
Jeff H. Employer (n.) – an attorney specializing in cases that involve the disruption of electronic devices.
Ben L. Curate (n.) – What John de Lancie got paid.
Jeff H. Irate (n.) – my personal salary.
Jeff H. Gestate (int.) – an I reckon I don’t need to agin.
Ben L. Dragon Age (n.) – the stage in one’s life where one experiments with cross-dressing.
Jeff H. Commensurate (n.) – the amount typically paid to the average, run-of-the-mill gentleman.
Ben L. Cobra (n.) – woman’s undergarment designed for two.
Ben L. Morbid (n.) – an ongoing auction.
Jeff H. Vanquish (n.) – a French egg dish best enjoyed DOWN BY THE RIVER.
Ben L. Bigotry (n.) – giant redwood.
Ben L. Produce (n.) – laxative.
Jeff H. Distinct (int.) – no really, it smelt real bad.
Jeff H. Probiotic (n.) – e.g., Miranda Lawson.
Ben L. Warping (n.) – international DDoS attack.
Jeff H. I’d thought you might have said this already (in these words), but ctrl-f isn’t finding it:
Disengage (v.) – break off the nuptuals.
Ben L. Or to sell one’s gaming taco phone.
Jeff H. Ultimate (int.) – use yer bleedin’ ult on ‘im already!
Ben L. Translate (v.) – to realize one’s true gender at an advanced age.
Ben L. Confusion (n.) – when Anime Detour and CONvergence take place at the same time.
Ben L. Brouhaha (n.) – an amusing coffee drink.
Jeff H. Transcendental (n.) – a rare type of establishment offering both gender-related counseling and tooth work.
Ben L. Capitalize (n.) – Roman numerals small in magnitude.
Jeff H. Inspire (adj.) – within the confines of a large, narrow tower.
Jeff H. Angler (n.) – an architect, draftsman, or geometry teacher.
Ben L. Despise (v.) – to mock desserts.
Ben L. Propagate (n.) – a well-built entryway.
Jeff H. Internal (adj.) – reader.isProgrammer = get(joke) ? true : false
// I know you could just set it to get(joke) shut up shut up
Jeff H. Açaí (n.) – the proper response to most of these jokes.
Ben L. Boolean (n.) – underweight ghost.
Jeff H. Underweight (n.) – how Giles Corey died.
Ben L. Barking (n.) – free-spending alcoholic.
Jeff H. Intestine (adj.) – What students often are, particularly when preparing to apply for college.
Jeff H. Hiccup (n.) – a drinking vessel for a yokel.
Jeff H. Bereft (int.) – that ursine just can’t catch a break.
Ben L. Promising (adj.) – unable to attend the spring formal.
Jeff H. Miasma (n.) – the reason I carry an inhaler.
(no I don’t.)
Jeff H. Infidel (adj.) – the current state of Castro’s food.
Jeff H. Barack (n.) – another name for sheep ribs.
Ben L. Automatic (n.) – storage space only able to be used three months out of the year.
Ben L. Neighbor (n.) – uninteresting horse.
Jeff H. Tympanic (n.) – what happens when Timothy’s anxiety gets to be just too much.
Ben L. Massacred (n.) – output of a cheese factory.
Corey M. Lotion – the tibia of a short person
Ben L. Predict (adj.) – see “prefect”.
Ben L. Nihilist (n.) – competitor in an Egyptian regatta.
Jeff H. Habitable (adj.) – able to be learned as an automatic behavior.
Jeff H. Exterminate (v.) – to fire one’s former significant other.
Jeff H. Sarcasm (n.) – a canyon where one might catch a potentially deadly illness.
Jeff H. Erect (int.) – that guy was completely destroyed.
Jeff H. Encomium (n.) – a glowing speech given by the director of the FBI. (Definitely NOT what we saw recently.)
Jeff H. Intact (n.) – some function called on a whole number.
Jeff H. Delegate (v.) – remove something’s lower limbs.
Jeff H. Arson (n.) – the male child of, you know, us.
Jeff H. Distraught (n.) – an affliction of software packages.
Ben L. Cannibal (n.) – Single serving of a popular energy drink
Ben L. Malpractice (n.) – Something Nathan Fillion no longer needs
Ben L. Picnic (v.) – To steal photography credit